Tag Archives: stupidity

An open letter to a guy at my gym

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Dear Sir,

You don’t know me, but we both work out at the same gym. I think you know the one.

As you’re no doubt aware, you have a frequent habit of standing nude in front of the hot air dryers, using them to dry yourself off after your shower. But rather than concern yourself with merely the hair on your head, you also spend a significant amount of time using the dryer to remove any moisture from the rest of your body as well.

While I’m certain that prolonged periods of nudity in the common, central areas of the locker room is a violation of generally accepted gym-locker-room etiquette, I’m willing to give you a pass on this, for the most part. Damp areas on the human body, or elsewhere, are a haven for bacteria and fungi, so perhaps you are overly concerned with that issue and are doing all you can to completely dry yourself.

The issue at hand, so to speak, is your balls.

Sir, what’s with all the cupping?

Again, as you’re aware, your drying routine involves a significant amount of ball-handling. I’m unclear as to why this is necessary.

First, I’ve owned a pair of balls my entire life, and they have, on occasion, been in need of drying. I’ve found that a medium-to-thick terrycloth towel, in conjunction with exposure to the air, is sufficient for complete drying vis a vis my nuts. While I have avoided careful consideration of your own testicular area, despite your very public displays, I imagine from a physiological standpoint, we don’t differ enough that hot air drying would be necessary for you to accomplish this task.

Furthermore, while you are a man of some height, the hot air dryers are far too high on the wall to ensure that the air they emit will have the required velocity necessary to dry your balls. At best, you are treating them to the light suggestion of a warm breeze, akin to the feeling one gets while sitting on a pier at sunset overlooking the Florida Keys. And no amount of cupping, shaking, handling, stretching, organizing, or re-arranging will change that.

For the comfort and consideration of all the people who use our gym locker room, please stop publicly cupping your balls.

Regards,
Our Man In Chicago

Ace Frehley is back in a old stuck groove

Internet, Music


Speaking of Space Ace, Time Out New York’s classical music writer Steve Smith interviewed former KISS guitarist Ace Frehley last week (check out his blog for some backstory on it). He mentions that Frehley isn’t playing songs from his new album on the tour to prevent leaks on YouTube before its official release date later this month. This seemed insane to me, so I went looking for a direct quote and found one in
this story from Billboard:

“Every show’s on YouTube, every song…I don’t want to play any of the new songs ’cause I don’t want to give away anything. I want that magic and mystique of hearing something for the first time when you’re supposed to, so I don’t think I’m going to play any of (the new songs) until the CD’s released.”

To some extent, I understand what he’s saying: part of what’s exciting about music is hearing it within a specific context, whether it’s in a live club or on an album. And if you’re hearing or seeing it on YouTube, you’re getting a grainy picture with distorted sound that could potentially turn off the audience you’re trying to entice into buying your new record.

But with all due respect to Ace, the time for cultivating mystique has long since passed.


No one’s going to be playing Ace Frehley’s new record on the radio. That’s not a comment on the quality of his work, it’s just a reality of the biz in 2008. Rock radio has been in decline recently, and most classic rock artists – even touring behemoths like Springsteen – have a hard time getting adds.

But that audience is out there. They’ll still go to see these artists in clubs, and are chomping at the bit for new music. Steve’s post alludes to the personal connection that people have with the people who first introduced them to music. But they’re not kids anymore, looking up in awestruck wonder at the man with the makeup. They know the addiction battles, and the difficulties that he’s gone through. In fact, it’s a lack of mystique that inspires his current fandom. That kind of connection inspires a rabid fanbase, and there’s no better place to feed that rabidity than on the Internet.

The best way to beat the bootleggers has been to join them. If Frehley were to post his own YouTube videos (filmed with a decent video camera, not a camera phone) of live performances and the occasional behind-the-scenes clips, people would flock to them, and then buy tickets and the new album in order to have that same “first-time” experience again. And perhaps he ought to look into putting together his own site, so no one has to go searching for news about his latest record or tour. I guarantee that there’s a huge Frehley fan out there who’s just dying to be Space Ace’s webmaster. Probably for free.

In a world of instant nostalgia, rockers like Frehley ought to be trying to bring their audience closer, not keep them at a distance.

Preferred refers

Music,

Looking at keyword referrals for OMIC is pretty entertaining, as I imagine it is for most bloggers.

In addition to lots of people looking for MP3s of New Wave songs from the 80s, I also tend to get a lot of referrals from “chicago pimp cups.” Not just pimp cups, mind you, but Chicago-centric pimp cups which I imagine would have to feature a bejeweled rendering of Mayor Daley. Ironic though that it leads them to this post.

I’ve also been getting a lot of Google traffic lately for people looking for info on Journey’s new lead singer.

But today I was very pleased to discover that I am the #4 Google search result for “don henley blowhard.” It’s really comforting to know that I am not alone in this opinion.

Like wrestling a pig

Music, , ,

Yesterday morning, I waded into the slap fight between Pitchfork and Urb magazine with this post on the TOC blog. In dissing Pitchfork, Urb placed them within the Chicago indie rock scene, which it finds to be “the most pretentious smarter-than-thou scene in the entire country.”

Nevermind that ALL indie rock scenes are at least a little pretentious, but I don’t think you can really call much of anything in Chicago pretentious (although in a response, LA Weekly drops a reference to Tortoise and if all most of the rest of the world knows about Chicago is either its post-rock and free jazz scenes, then I guess I can understand where they’re getting that from). Moreover, I don’t think Pitchfork is a vibrant part of the city’s scene. It’s not a knock against them, they’re just more nationally-focused.

In any case, the post got picked up by LAist and The Daily Swarm as well as a couple other places. I’m getting called out for not knowing my ass from page 8 in the dictionary because Film School are originally (?) from San Francisco and not L.A. OK, my bad even though they’re billing themselves as an L.A. band. And yeah, they’ve been around a couple years, but that’s exactly my point: I don’t see them as anything more than a band of noodling wankers who keep trying to convince people to buy what they’re selling.

Skeet On Mischa also points out that No Age is obviously L.A.’s most talked-about indie musical export right now. And he’s got a point. It slipped my mind that the noise-rock duo hails from there.

So to sum up, in the 1st Annual Talking Out Of Your Ass Tourney, TOC, Pitchfork and Urb finish in a three-way tie.

U2's manager is barking up the wrong metaphorical tree

Internet, Music,

Mega-selling bands – and their managers – need to stop presenting themselves as the standard bearer for artists who are losing money due to illegal downloads. If you have ever toured with a giant lemon as part of your stage show, you lose the argument before you begin.

Having said that, here’s what U2’s manager Paul McGuiness has to say about the role of ISPs vis a vis illegal downloading:

“‘If you were a magazine advertising stolen cars, handling the money for stolen cars and seeing to the delivery of stolen cars, the police would soon be at your door,’ he said. ‘That’s no different to an ISP, but they say they can’t do anything about it.'”

Leaving aside for the moment the whole notion that Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act of 1996 means that ISPs are not, in fact, liable for such behavior, let’s look at what McGuinness is really saying here.

If a “magazine” was taking possession of stolen cars and receiving money for them, they would, in fact, be breaking the law. But let’s go with this and say that possession of copyrighted material that you do not own is like a stolen car (better return that copy of Freakonomics or The National album now!). ISPs neither receive money for the possession of copyrighted material (his first point) nor do they provide the programs that allow one to access copyrighted material (his second point about “seeing to the delivery” of stolen material). This would be like saying that the builder of a garage used to operate a chop shop is responsible for the thievery that goes on there. Or that Xerox is responsible for people who photocopy books.

I could go on, but what’s the point? This is like the time I told my sister that the government wasn’t responsible for providing for a particular service because it wasn’t in the Constitution and she replied “Well asparagus isn’t in the Constitution…” How do you argue with logic that isn’t logical?

This whole argument is stemming from Canada’s efforts to tax ISPs (they call it a fee, but come on now) and funnel that music to artists. Anyone who’s been following the business of music for the last 50 years ought to be suspicious of such a plan, even if such a fee goes directly to the music publishers and bypasses labels altogether. Sound Opinions also discussed this topic recently and I’m surprised they jumped on board with it. If for no other reason but that not everyone uses his or her Internet connection to download music they haven’t paid for.

But hey: let’s compromise. How about anyone who buys an album by crap Canadian bands has to pay a “bad taste” tax? So if you by the next album by Celine Dion, Nickelback, Sum 41 or Avril Lavigne, you have to pay an extra five bucks. Who’s with me?

Well, at least he didn’t just issue a press release this time

Media

Amen for newspapers and the Internet. On Thursday night after the governor revealed his plan, the local TV news shows – including the normally excellent Chicago Tonight – were reporting the governor’s back-door deal of free rides for seniors as a sure thing (and feeding into Blago’s self-creafted image as some Capra-esque pol while they did it). But the next day, online critics, and local print outlets are pointing out that the gov’s plan is both poor government and not the economic incentive he thinks it is. A commenter on a TOC post I wrote last week noted that a Chicago senior citizen would have to spend $70,000 on taxable goods in order to offset the $176 lost revenue from their free CTA pass (using the gov’s own numbers based on a twice-a-week ridership)

Now television news* has joined with the party, rightly pointing out that even the $19 million isn’t enough, as rates might have to be raised to cover the free rides. I know “the media” gets a lot of flak for being the tail that wags the dog, but television news is the worst offender.

Most seniors are not hurting because of transit costs – and not near as much as those who live near the poverty line – so this is a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist, and the creation of a problem for which there is now no solution, since legislators are now faced with a pass-it-or-perish situation. So in that way, you could argue that the bill is a sure thing since it does give pols some political cover. Then again, downstate legislators (and know-nothing suburban reps like Christine Radogno) have gone out of their way to avoid some pretty obvious solutions in the past, and that’s why the transit crisis is – to quote Frank Stallone – far from over.

* Hey Trib, if you’re going to create a video-only site that’s largely dependent on your own branded content, just go whole hog with it so people can find clips for local news events. And also, let’s get working on an embed code, huh?

A sniff is as good as a wink to a blind horse

Music,

As I’ve previously mentioned, Wednesdays are the days that Team Web puts up the new issue at TOC, and it’s also the day that the Hard Rock Cafe: Heavy Metal compilation gets a healthy amount of use.

(Sidebar: Since the White Lion Revelation, I’ve found myself paying closer attention to the lyrics on this album, as well as other cock rock classics. As such, I usually hit the skip button when “Lay It Down” by Ratt cues up since I can no longer countenance lyrics like “I’m into total affection/Not being scared if you never please me.” Let’s be honest here: how “scared” were the members of Ratt that your average groupie was going to be unable to “please” them? I’m fairly certain that this was a low-set bar. Similarly, I was also struck by the lyrics to “C’mon and Love Me” by KISS: “She’s a dancer, a romancer/I’m a Capricorn and she’s a Cancer.” KISS, where do you get your ideas?)

As such, I was listening to Lita Ford’s “Kiss My Deadly,” a song I’ve been familiar since I bought it during an early 90s excursion to the local Phar-Mor (picture a low-rent Jewel combined with the record and tape selection that approximates the catalog selections one would find at a modern-day Circuit City ) where I purchased the eponymous Lita based largely on the cover (at right) and my friend Rick’s endorsement of the Ozzy/Lita duet “Close Your Eyes Forever” which we can all agree, in retrospect, is not near as cool as we remember it being. For those whose memories fail them, here’s a sample, but it gets worse from here when the drums kick in around 2:45:

MP3 excerpt – Lita Ford and Ozzy Osboune – “Close My Eyes Forever”

This is a good lesson for all of us: never buy music based solely on the endorsement of a 16 year-old.

ANYWAY, in all my years of listening to “Kiss Me Deadly,” I never noticed the audible “sniff” that occurs at approximately 20.40 seconds into the song right after the lyric about Lita’s unfortunate, but nominal, traffic and financial difficulties. To whit:

MP3 excerpt – Lita Ford – “Kiss Me Deadly”

What’s going on there? A defiant sniffle in the face of the aforementioned patriarchal groveling? One last bit of nose candy before the rocking commences? It’s a rather minor occurrence in the overall song. In fact, you can see the audio waves created by “the sniff” barely register (note the highlighted portions below):

I used to think “Kiss Me Deadly” was a great song but I fear this “sniff” is going to lead to an obsession with it. So I’m really hoping someone can supply an explanation before it takes over my life.

Not created in my own image

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On Late Night with Conan O’Brien last week, Bill Maher was discussing the results of the Iowa caucus and specifically the religious beliefs of some of the candidates. His crabassery was typically longer on style than substance, and then he dropped this bon mot on how it’s impossible to reconcile faith with science:

“You can’t be a rational person six days of the week…and on one day of the week go into a building and think you’re drinking the blood of a 2000 year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.”

…and then went on to imply that all people of faith take the Bible as the absolute, literal truth. Check out the full clip here before it gets pulled from YouTube.

Let’s leave aside Maher’s questionable theology and his confusion over mental health terms or we’ll be here all day. But let’s also acknowledge that there are some people out there who do, in fact, base their knowledge of science on what it says in the Bible. They’re admittedly parts of the whole of the faithful.

Now, with this in mind, since I don’t confuse Bill Maher with his fellow cast members from Cannibal Women in The Avocado Jungle of Death, I’d appreciate it if he’d do me and mine the same courtesy and not lump all people of faith together.

In some respects, I can’t blame Maher for saying such dunderheaded things. It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t know any people of faith personally (or at least none that he respects) so he’s likely just assuming that we’re all from the same mold as dipshits like William Donohue or Pat Robertson.

Those of us who practice a quiet, private faith do ourselves a disservice in some respects. We don’t talk about how we’re as certain of the existence of Christ as we are in the existence of homo habilis (even though we got way better grades in religion than biology) because we’re so worried at being lumped in with the Donahues and Robertsons of the world, that we fail to offer any alternative view like how we’ve had lunch with priests often, but still find these jokes to be hysterical. In failing to do so, we allow the Donahues and Robertsons to be the public face of the faithful.

But the faith these men practice does not resemble mine, nor does it resemble the faith of the thoughtful, welcoming, social activist parishoners I worship with each Sunday (OK, every other Sunday sometimes): the (openly, for what it’s worth) gay priest who leads our service; the people who – when a family from Florida first visited our church on a morning off from staying with their son in his hospital room after he had been hit by a car while riding his bike – held hands with strangers and offered them prayers and counsel; the people who feed the homeless or created an anti-racism ministry or etc. etc. etc.

None of these people cracks a Bible before they make a decision about how to lead their lives, nor do they grab a concordance for help in answering questions about DNA or evolution. That’s because it’s not a rulebook for them, it’s a guide they use to have an ongoing discussion on how to challenge themselves to live a life based on love, justice and truth.

Now, I’ll admit my viewpoint is largely informed by my membership in an Episcopalian church that strives to make its liturgy accepting, inclusive and affirming. But that’s exactly the point.

In short, since they’re not the ones you see on television or read about in newspapers, it’s easier for Bill Maher to get you to believe that these people do not exist. But I have a feeling he’s not seeking them out either. Perhaps because it’s easier for him to maintain his own way of life when he has nothing to challenge it. It would probably result in too much cognitive dissonance and wouldn’t allow him to build a career on hackneyed, cliched generalities. Of course, I’m sure Maher wouldn’t be the type to do something he accuses others of. That would be schizophrenic or something.

Then again, maybe I’m wrong. After all, this is supposed to be the day that people like me are too busy drinking the blood of extraterrestrial immortals to have time for rational thought.

But unless people like me start speaking up, it’s too easy for others to assume there are those who do it for me.

CBS People's Choice Awards promos are the latest victims of the Writers Strike

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Next month’s People’s Choice Awards ceremony on CBS already sounds like it’s going to be a disaster without writers on-hand to make Jessica Alba sound witty(ish).

But it’s even worse than you imagined. Check out this screenshot I took from the commercial that’s advertising the event as a night with “all your favorites from movies, music and…”

T-E-L-E-V-I-S-O-N, people.

So in addition to the writers’ strike, there also appears to be a concurrent copy editors’ strike going on as well. And both have apparently resulted in such a catastrophic loss of revenue that all access to Merriam-Webster Online has been cut off.