Unintended consequences

Music

I was trying to explain to my co-worker – who moved here from Atlanta in the last year – why the Cubs don’t seem like underdogs when you live in Chicago (and especially if you’re a Sox fan). Unfortunately, he’s out of the country this week and isn’t seeing the many supporting arguments for my thesis.

Frankly, I can deal with the wall-to-wall Cubs playoff coverage on the news and the way it infects my daily life, but the one thing that chafes me is the way every asshole with a guitar seems to have come up with their own song about the Cubs. Ya’ll have Go Cubs Go. Isn’t that enough?

On the other hand, I quite enjoy this little ditty from the fine folks at the Beachwood Reporter.

Oblivious Living Part 1.17 "I Eat Cannibals (Part One)" by Total Coelo

Music

MP3 – “I Eat Cannibals (Part One)” by Total Coelo
Lyrics – “I Eat Cannibals (Part One)” by Total Coelo

Approximately 10-15 years from now, some psi-blogger (in the future, you will be able to post to your blog using only your mind) will be trying to force himself to blog more often and will decide to blog about mild pop hits of the mid-1990s that show up on Now That’s What I Call Music compilations. He will then come to a Spice Girls song – possibly “Wannabe” but more likely “Stop”* and have the same reaction I am having right now to Total Coelo’s “I Eat Cannibals (Part One)”, which is “Meh.”

Seriously, this song is crap. I will – no lie – PayPal you $20 if you can name me a stupider lyric than this:

Hot pot, cook it up, I’m never gonna stop
Yum, yum, gee it’s fun, I’m banging on a drum

I know 1982 was the year that “Pac-Man Fever” was a hit but dear God, someone actually paid someone else for that shit.

Although I do have to admit, this lyric actually has a lil’ sumthin’:

All I wanna do, is make a meal of you
We are what we eat, you’re my kind of meat
Got a hunger for your love, it’s what I’m speaking of
Give a dog a bone, I can take it home

AC/DC wishes it wrote that.

Still, the “Pac-Man Fever” reference isn’t accidental. If you look at the top 100 from 1982, it’s rife with novelty songs, piss-poor MOR and a slew of head-scratchers.** How “Spirits In The Material World” ever charted that year, I do not know.

The best thing you can say about the five women of Total Coelo, who were named Toto Coelo when the song was originally released in the UK but changed their name when the band Toto bitched, is that they managed to piss off Steve Lukather. Bananarama has more cred.

I was wrong. I have much stronger feelings that “meh.” This song is really terrible. I’m almost sad I blogged about it.***

* “Wannabe” was lame then and holy hell has it aged poorly. “Stop” is actually not too bad, along with a handful of other Spice Girls tracks. They weren’t exactly Joni Mitchell, but I’d rather listen to Spice and Spiceworld than any album by Avril Lavigne. At least Spice Girls didn’t try and convince you they were anything but dance-pop queens. While I take issue with the whole “girl power” bit, at least Mel B never extolled the joys of stealing another girl’s boyfriend in song.
** I have Juice Newton’s Greatest Hits on my iPod and I still had to cue up “The Sweetest Thing (I’ve Ever Known).” I know I’ve heard it before (thanks, Mom) but I couldn’t have sang it to you with a gun to my head. Incidentally, Jenny Lewis? You owe Juice Newton a thank-you note.
*** Except I got to write about Juice Newton and Spice Girls, which was actually fun.

Found at Lincoln and George

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You know, I’ve long since come to grips with the knowledge that I will never have a job/career that allows me to rake in mad scads of cash. So this isn’t about jealousy and more about functionality: who keeps 22 grand in their checking account?

I also like how there are a bunch of question marks for “current balance.” Like the ATM was able to calculate how much he/she could take out presently, but this person has so much friggin’ money in an account not made for such things that it was running into a problem placing a decimal point.

Missing Credits, The Final Chapter

Music,

This is the last installment of the first in a series of letters between myself and Matt Wood, proprietor of Wood-Tang.com. A discussion that began as a review of Kanye West’s Graduation has morphed into the question of Mr. West’s social responsibility. You can see part 1 at Matt’s site, part 2 here at OMIC and part 3 back at the W-T.

Wood-Tang:

I’m with you in that I’m not looking for Kanye to be the next Public Enemy. And the most interested artists are those that revel in contradictions, so I’d have no problem with a song about social commentary juxtaposed with a song celebrating the trappings of money and fame (a song other that “Drunk and Hot Girls” which – I think we have both made clear – is the foulest thing unleashed on an unsuspecting person or persons since the time my friends and I were riding home in the car after I had consumed a large plate of jamabalaya at the House of Blues.

I think one of the reasons we ended up on this topic is because there’s little on the album to distract us from it. There’s nothing to get me fired up with anger or sputtering in disbelief, and there are no revelations about the man himself. So in exchange I’d expect some hot beats or stunning musicality, though it’s a much more efficient album that his previous works, stripped of the skits and pointless collabos (and I think the score on the ones that are here ends in a 2-2-1 decision with “Good Life” neither gaining nor losing him any fans).

So perhaps we can consider Graduation as Kanye’s rebuilding year. While it’s not taking things all the way to the big game, it’s certainly accomplishing something by highlighting the need for some change and put some distance between the “international asshole” and the man who wants to be the king of all music awards shows, even the shitty ones.

One of the aspects of the manufactured contest between Kanye and 50 Cent that’s been overlooked is how both men managed to steal a little of the other’s thunder to burnish their weak points. With Kanye’s success (and all the shout-outs he gives to white indie rockers), he’s got to know that the ludicrous criticism that he’s losing touch with real hip-hop will result. And since 50’s movie career was DOA, resulting in lackluster sales for his previous album, he needed to get back on the radar of those who just stick with the big releases. So it helps 50 to look like someone who is a viable candidate to sell as many albums as Kanye even though he isn’t, and Kanye looks more like a traditional hip-hop artist, rather than someone who seems to be leaving the trappings behind for a more mainstream career.

To me, it seems like the cat is still trying to figure out his own identity. Once he does, I think he’s going to end up producing the best album of his career.

Sincerely,
Mr. Smith

The week in work

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Imagine me being so busy that I haven’t had time for self-promotion. The mind reels, but it’s true. Here’s what I’ve been working on lately:

As alluded to yesterday, TOC‘s beer issue is out. TOC editors can deliver on the bon mots, so the the story about the non-alcoholic beer came out pretty well. Also, check out our quiz on Chicago beer. You can win some fabulous TOC-related prizes including our Eating and Drinking 2008 guide, which hits the streets next month.

In addition, we’ve been running a Chicago sex survey online. We’re going to publish the results in an upcoming issue, but the survey expires on Monday so spill your secrets now. You may also notice a certain familiar brand of humor with some of the answers.

Missing Credits, Pt. 2

Music

Eventually, I’ll return to blogging the Living In Oblivion compilation, but in the meantime, a new regular feature will debut here: a series of open letters between myself and Matt Wood, published writer of some renown, who maintains Wood-Tang, the world’s foremost source for information about both the Wu-Tang Clan and child-rearing.

Matt’s opening volley can be found here, and concerns the recent Kanye West album Graduation.

Wood-Tang,

Sorry for the delay. Please understand that non-alcoholic beer won’t drink itself.

First, to address your point about your reduced consumption of records, now that we’re advanced in age, I think we choose to indulge our vices according to quality, not quantity. The gin is Bombay, not Gordon’s; steak, not Steak ‘n’ Shake; and the music ought to follow. Plus, there’s the time aspect. I don’t just want to listen to Jimi, I want to hear Jimi.

Now, thanks to this gig, I too have access to more music. And maybe it’s the quality that’s declining, but I’m finding myself less enthralled by the majority of new music. It’s still good, mind you, but not as gripping, save for that last Hold Steady record.

But perhaps it’s because we’re in a time when the paradigm keeps changing. We are in a time when music is entrenched in culture in a way that it hasn’t been since the grunge movement, with all the pros and cons that go along with that. As such, music has to work a little harder to be heard above the din.

And I guess that’s why I wasn’t all that enthralled with the new Kanye West record either.

I don’t blame you for expecting greatness from Mr. West’s record. Hell, the man himself practically guaranteed it. It makes perfect sense that you’d buy it without listening to it first (hey, remember when we did that all the time?) because the guy’s got a solid track record. Yet I still think it makes sense to give most artists a one-album berth of badness. That is to say, if the last record sucked, you don’t need to rush out for the next one.

Working where I do, my record-buying habits have diminished. More often that not, I’m able to walk over to the Music department and borrow a disc I’m interested in or find it on someone’s iTunes. But my record-consumption habits have changed, too. I read enough and listen enough that I get a taste of quite a few things, but don’t make a full meal out of too many discs. I imagine you’re in the same camp, which probably compounded your disappointment. In those rare(r) times when you actually take the time to sit down and get into a record, you want to be impressed.

And let’s face it, this Graduation is more like the ceremony they hold when you get out of 8th grade, not the one you attend when leaving high school.

On a recent edition of Sound Opinions, Greg Kot and Jim DeRogatis fell all over themselves in praising this record, mainly because they set it up like everyone else has: as a comparison to 50 Cent’s I’ll Kill Your Ass or whatever the damn thing is called. And honestly, if that’s your point of comparison, Graduation is going to sound like There’s a Riot Goin’ On.

To be fair, there are some good tracks here, and we’re getting more of the man himself, freed up from the skits and bloated guest spots of other hip-hop albums. If I still went to clubs, I’d be hoping they played “Stronger” and I’m pretty sure “Homecoming” is going on my year-end mix tape. And while “Everything I Am” is old school backpackin’ and “Flashing Lights” reminds me of the roller-skating rink, the former’s navel-gazing and the latter’s tossed-off reference to Hurricane Katrina highlight what gets under my skin the most about this album.

The moment this man said “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” he became the new Chuck D. He’s seen as the anchorman for the hip-hop newscast (I’d call your man Ghostface and Clipse the on-the-street reporters) by everybody from the little black kid going to school in Bronzeville to Mayor Daley.

So isn’t it time for him to dump the introspection, and start talking about the world around him on his records? (Or, at least, something besides “Drunk and Hot Girls,” which is probably one of the worst songs I’ve heard all year.)

While Kot and DeRo both note that West’s introspective style and habit of spinning lyrical insecurities into gold albums is a refreshing change from the default braggadocio of artists like Fiddy, I’m pretty tired of how he takes every chance to talk about how he’s not given his due. It’s a joke that isn’t funny anymore.

His public persona would be easier to swallow if he’d bother writing about something other than himself for a change. I’m dying to know what Kanye thinks of predatory lending practices, grandmas raising babies, men who call women “bitches,” or even the troubled business model of the music industry. But what I’m getting is how hard it is to be Kanye. And I just don’t buy it.

I suppose all of this has more to do with what I expected, not what he’s attempted. But as you’ve said, this probably would have purchased if give an advance listen. Plus, criticism is a subjective thing though, and anyone who tells you it isn’t, is a liar.

On subsequent listens, I can set all this aside and can see the easy joy in songs like “Champion” and “The Glory.” But even in the seemingly glowing reviews I’ve read, most see this as a flawed album, and I can’t help but think that it’s because it’s largely built around an already boring topic.

Here’s my question to you P-T Poppa: am I wrong to look at what isn’t there as the basis of criticism of this album? Shouldn’t I cut Kanye a little more slack for being – like Wolverine – the best at what he does, even when he phones it is? Moreover, I’m feeling quite passionate about this album, and I’ve said elsewhere that the resultant passion of the 50/Kanye non-beef is ultimately good for the record industry. And I have a feeling that even though I’ll probably still disagree with it, I’ll find that come the end of this year, it’ll be one of the records that I found most interesting this year. And isn’t that worth something?

Sincerely,
Mr. Smith

Finally, an Episcopalian schism I can get behind

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You know, the American Episcopalian Church has been going through a bit of troubles with the larger Anglican communion due to the openly gay bishop it ordained a couple years ago. Much has been made about an approaching schism, but the EC is dealing with the situation through prayer, love and consideration, which I know is confusing the hell out of the people who expect anger and conflict to follow any religious matters.

I’ve been holding out hope for the larger church to remain in communion with itself, but there’s probably room to trim a little chaff from the wheat. So John McCain? Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. I don’t even know who that guy is anymore. He’s taken on more positions lately than a copy of the Kama Sutra.

Near-beer update

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My Craigslist ad for free beer led to a surprisingly number of inquiries. Twenty-seven, to be exact. They ranged from one guy who seemed angry that I was criticizing dirt to a few people who told unexpectedly touching stories about friends who, for one medical reason or another, could not enjoy the sweet, sweet taste of real beer and would gladly settle for the non-alcoholic version.

So yesterday I met up with a really nice guy named Shon, and handed off the 12 remaining bottles of beer after he told me about his friend with pancreatitis. What had started out as a minor joke had turned into something a bit more profound: taking something worth very little to me and giving it to someone for whom it meant much more.

Look on Craiglist next week for my collection of Jewel plastic bags.

I’d never kid about free (non-alcoholic) beer

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Just in case you thought I was kidding:

Free beer!

Further bulletins as events warrant.

Update: The link above is dead now. I’ve re-created the post after the jump.

I can already hear you asking “Who the hell would want free beer? And why would someone own it in the first place?”

Allow me to explain.

I work for a local, well-known, weekly magazine. As part of a story, I needed to purchase some non-alcoholic beer. Specifically, three brands: O’Doul’s Amber, Sharp’s, and Clausthaler. In writing the story, six bottles of the beer (two of each brand) were used. Twelve bottles of the beer were not used.

What with the country currently trying to live as “green” a life as possible, it seemed a shame to throw away this near-beer. So instead I am offering it for free to anyone who would like to pick it up from my apartment and take it off my hands.

Sure, this might seem a little odd. But let’s face it: people give away dirt on Craiglist, so this isn’t any odder than that. Of course, you could probably think up several reasons why you might need dirt, and not one single reason why you might want some non-alcoholic beer. Unless you really dig beer and don’t want to have to deal with all the pesky “getting shit-faced” aspects of it.

And at the very least, you will have a great story that begins “So this guy was offering free non-alcoholic beer on Craigslist” to tell at your next party. And how many people can say THAT?

The details:

You will be receiving 12 bottles of beer:
* Four bottles of O’Doul’s Amber, billed as “rich and flavorful”
* Four bottles of Sharp’s, advertised as “brewed for all” and featuring “the Crisp, Refreshing taste of Beer, Anytime” (their insane use of CAPS not mine)
* Four bottles of Clausthaler, winner of the World Beer Cup Association of Brewers USA, Milwaukee 200 and the 2000 Gold Award Non-Alcoholic-Malt Beverages and brewed according to the German Purity Law of 1516

You must pick up this beer yourself or send one of your assistants, minions, associates, lackeys, pledges, etc. to do it for you. I live not too far from a CTA Brown Line stop that they’ve managed to keep open for now. So get while the gettin’s good.

UPDATE: The beer has been claimed. Thanks to everyone who offered to take it off my hands.