MP3 – “I Eat Cannibals (Part One)” by Total Coelo
Lyrics – “I Eat Cannibals (Part One)” by Total Coelo

Approximately 10-15 years from now, some psi-blogger (in the future, you will be able to post to your blog using only your mind) will be trying to force himself to blog more often and will decide to blog about mild pop hits of the mid-1990s that show up on Now That’s What I Call Music compilations. He will then come to a Spice Girls song – possibly “Wannabe” but more likely “Stop”* and have the same reaction I am having right now to Total Coelo’s “I Eat Cannibals (Part One)”, which is “Meh.”

Seriously, this song is crap. I will – no lie – PayPal you $20 if you can name me a stupider lyric than this:

Hot pot, cook it up, I’m never gonna stop
Yum, yum, gee it’s fun, I’m banging on a drum

I know 1982 was the year that “Pac-Man Fever” was a hit but dear God, someone actually paid someone else for that shit.

Although I do have to admit, this lyric actually has a lil’ sumthin’:

All I wanna do, is make a meal of you
We are what we eat, you’re my kind of meat
Got a hunger for your love, it’s what I’m speaking of
Give a dog a bone, I can take it home

AC/DC wishes it wrote that.

Still, the “Pac-Man Fever” reference isn’t accidental. If you look at the top 100 from 1982, it’s rife with novelty songs, piss-poor MOR and a slew of head-scratchers.** How “Spirits In The Material World” ever charted that year, I do not know.

The best thing you can say about the five women of Total Coelo, who were named Toto Coelo when the song was originally released in the UK but changed their name when the band Toto bitched, is that they managed to piss off Steve Lukather. Bananarama has more cred.

I was wrong. I have much stronger feelings that “meh.” This song is really terrible. I’m almost sad I blogged about it.***

* “Wannabe” was lame then and holy hell has it aged poorly. “Stop” is actually not too bad, along with a handful of other Spice Girls tracks. They weren’t exactly Joni Mitchell, but I’d rather listen to Spice and Spiceworld than any album by Avril Lavigne. At least Spice Girls didn’t try and convince you they were anything but dance-pop queens. While I take issue with the whole “girl power” bit, at least Mel B never extolled the joys of stealing another girl’s boyfriend in song.
** I have Juice Newton’s Greatest Hits on my iPod and I still had to cue up “The Sweetest Thing (I’ve Ever Known).” I know I’ve heard it before (thanks, Mom) but I couldn’t have sang it to you with a gun to my head. Incidentally, Jenny Lewis? You owe Juice Newton a thank-you note.
*** Except I got to write about Juice Newton and Spice Girls, which was actually fun.