I’m no Grant Achatz in the kitchen, but I do have occasional moments of brilliance. Case in point: last week, when I whipped up some salmon burgers for the lady and myself (recipe at the end of this post). Just the same, when I’m making dinner for myself, I tend to do something that isn’t so much cooking as it is – in the words of my college girlfriend – heating. A Man, a Can and A Plan isn’t just a book, it’s a lifestyle choice.

But there’s simple, and then there’s stupid.

This evening, I was cooking up another masterpiece when I saw this on the back of a package of brown rice:

Chef’s Tips
Quick meal ideas to make your life easier
For a Quick Delicious Meal in Minutes:
Star with READY WHOLE GRAIN RICE Whole Grain Brown. Pick up a Rotisserie (or other cooked favorite) add a bagged salad and you have a quick, complete meal in minutes.

Let’s ignore, for a moment, the massive copy editing problems with this “tip.” I don’t care who you are, this is information that is so basic as to be useless. They might as well just say:

For a quick and delicious mean in minutes:
Go to the store and buy some groceries. Put a package of our rice in there, too.

Now for those salmon burgers…

2 lbs fresh salmon, do not buy the canned stuff, you’ve been working hard, you deserve the finer things
1 cup bread crumbs
2 eggs
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
1 tablespoon soy sauce
4 wheat buns, toasted
Olive oil
Parmesan cheese

Remove the skin from the salmon. This is the hardest part of this recipe. In fact, it is at this point that you will regret attempting this recipe. But it’s totally worth it. Place the salmon in a plastic bag, and pound the hell out of it. This will help get out some of your frustrations over removing the salmon skin. Dump the salmon into a bowl and add the rest of the ingredients. Mix them thoroughly, then form the mixture into equally sized burgers, or a couple of big ones and a couple of small ones if you preparing dinner for a light eater. Grill the burgers for about 5 minutes per side, or five minutes total if you rock the Foreman.

Toast the buns then pour some olive oil into a small dish, and add some Parmesan cheese, until it forms a liquidy paste. Spread the Parmesan paste on the top bun. Add lettuce and tomato for garnish, if you like, but it is only going to get in the way of the awesomeness.